I wake up in the morning with the solid intention of remaining alcohol free for that day. I write about my commitment, pray for it, read about the wisdom of remaining sober.
Ten hours later I'm draining the first bottle of wine, and straining for a second. What happens to that best of intentions? Why and how do I forget so easily about the downside of drinking. I reach the summit, that ever-so-brief moment of belonging, only to slide down even further into feelings of separation. And I do it over and over and over.
Yesterday at the meeting, a woman described the feeling she got with the first sip of alcohol--the first sip that warmed her all the way down her body to her toes. That is exactly the feeling that I get with the first sip of the first drink. It is so seductive. When she mentioned this feeling to a non-alcoholic, he didn't know what she was talking about. But everyone in the room nodded their heads. We certaining got it.
For that brief encounter, I waste hours of time and buckets of emotions. For that brief moment of feeling a part of, I waste the following 24 hours falling apart.
As I write now, it's 10:45 am. I didn't drink last night, and have since felt moments of real clarity. And they scare me. In clarity I realize that I'm running out of money and that I must be absolutely honest about where I stand. When clear I see my life as it is, not as I wish it to be. And it scares me. It scares me so much that I want to escape and drink.
I need to reach deep inside. Strength and bravery are part of my being. Right now I feel that I am two people, that I lead a double life. The only way to heal my damaged side is to remember what it feels like after I've reached the summit and have begun the descent again. I am so afraid. Please remember.