Today I begin my training with Sur la Table. Most of us, at some point in our lives, and for a variety of reasons, have to start over. I never felt entirely secure at the Times. I remember several times in those years thinking to myself that things were too easy. I had a fairly comfortable income, at least for one person, with health benefits. But I felt a weird sense that that at some point everything would fall apart. And indeed it did.
So now is my "do over" period. I have to admit I'm terrified and have had a rough couple of days leading up to this day, almost to the breaking point when I was going to call the store manager and tell her I wasn't going to accept the job after all. Oh Lord. What a mess that would have been. The Franklin Roosevelt quote, "we have nothing to fear but fear itself" has become my mantra. Fear destroys any chance for moving ahead into a better life.
The job at Sur la Table pays little and has no health benefits. And I'm still waiting to hear if I've been accepted by an insurance company that is less expensive than Cobra. I'm scared. This isn't where I thought I'd be at this tender age of 56. But it is where I've found myself, and must be dealt with. And this is a beginning, not the end of the road. Many good things may be around the corner.
I've always felt sympathy for those who had so little. I know that I'm lucky because I was able to get by with a heaven-sent inheritance from my uncle. I haven't had to feed little stomachs, or find a way to put shoes on kids whose single pair have been out-grown and worn through. I've been able to keep up my bills, where many others have not only lost jobs but homes and all sense of what a normal life had been like until then. I don't pretend to even begin to know or understand what those lives, that kind of worry and stress, must be like. But my own experience has provided me with a deeper empathy for the thousands who are struggling through these times. My heart goes out to them.
And I wonder, for those who've been lucky enough to be hired recently, if like me, they feel not only a sense of relief, but a sense of never feeling safe again. Will I like the job? Will management and coworkers like and respect me? Will I fail? All of those negative self doubts that destroy my confidence. I've had to work on this stuff my whole life, but each time I take a risk, however slight, the end result has been positive. Getting there is tough.
I wish my faith were stronger. I do know that when I turn to God, and to what I call my angel spirits--Dad, my aunts Sally and Nanty Kay, Gregor and my grandparents--when I really believe they are walking with me, I feel comforted. Just writing out these thoughts calms me. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. I feel a little more prepared now, so off I go.
Thursday, June 11, 2009 at 9:03AM 
